Blind Awareness

This is not exactly an oxymoron. But it is a pretty much how I would describe a condition all of us can suffer from. 

I will illustrate. ( I confess that I am severely directionally challenged.) Recently I found myself confidently and speedily going in the wrong direction. Of course I did not think I was aimed erroneously but I was. I knew what road I was on, I was not going the wrong way on the outer-loop of 485. But while I was completely aware of the facts, I was blind to the fact that I was getting farther and farther away from my destination.

And the same thing can happen in our lives. In fact in our areas of expertise or enthusiasm is where we can most often make some of our greatest mistakes. On the other hand when I am unsure or unfamiliar with something I am so much more likely to take my time, pay attention to details and really focus on making sure I get the desired result. But let me operate in my wheelhouse and I am full speed ahead. 

Let me illustrate this. Imagine you are a driving instructor. And you find yourself in a car with a student and you begin to notice the student is driving erratically. They are preoccupied with the rearview mirror. They are speeding, and weaving in and out of traffic… they are breaking every rule! And so you do what a good driving instructor should do, you stomp on that “second” brake. You start correcting them on all the things they are doing wrong. You force them to focus on every technical point and process. You quickly critique any and everything they do wrong! You are so aware of what when where and how they should be doing everything! In fact you are at your best when you are pointing out everyone’s weakness.

But you are blind to the fact that in the back seat of that car is the driver’s very sick child. You are blind to the fact they are desperately trying to get to the hospital. You are blind to the panic and pain that is written all over their face. You are blind to the faint sounds coming from the child in the rear facing seat who is struggling so hard to breathe they cannot cry. You are consumed with blind awareness.

How often are we the same way in life, in relationships, in our career? We think everything is supposed to serve our goals and expectations instead of the needs of others. We are so busy trying to fix what we think is wrong that we never notice the desperation in the lives of others. 

Life is like a game of charades. Everything we do should be to convey the message, the message that we love people more than anything else. 

If not, we are just going through the motions and sending the wrong message.

making sense of death

over the last 84 months i've taken part in about 60 funerals. roughly 7 years. and i can easily say a rough 7 years. there have been expected and unexpected. young and old. some who appeared to be healthy and of course those under hospice care. It’s been hard. some of them have been brutally hard. they have taken me to moments that were hard to push through. at times i have been wounded deeply. sometimes they have left me doubting.

the doubting moments did not really last all that long, i was mostly just left hurting and angry and confused. i wanted them to make sense. i wanted them to fit my theology and my expectation.

i think one of the biggest challenges we face is the deep need to understand. to be able to make sense of it. to see the plan, the purpose, or the hand of God in it somehow.

here's where i am on death so far. i don't understand it at all. it is as unreasonable as birth. how can one couple not have a baby when they want to so desperately and a teenager or crack addict pops babies out like a pez dispenser? in the words of pete in "o brother where art thou," "that don't make no sense."

and I am pretty sure that if you are waiting on death to make sense you will be disappointed.

the reason death does not make sense is because making sense is not the point. the truth is death is not a thing. the bible and science talk about death as a thing because it helps us navigate the conversations of life. but death is sort of like darkness. darkness is not a thing. darkness is simply the absence of light. death is simply the absence of life. for a million different reasons life ceases. the laws of physics, the laws of gravity, disease, murder, the list goes on. but the point is not understanding why and how it ended. the point is why it mattered. the thing that death does to me is makes me deal with how i have lived, how i claimed the opportunities of life.

two deaths really did a number on me this past year. the still-birth of a granddaughter and the death of a dear but neglected friend. my granddaughter’s death taught me a lot of things but mostly that death doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t fit in my head. i will never be able to explain it or make it reasonable. the truth is all life ends and there is no other explanation.

the death of my neglected friend taught me that death makes us deal with the time we have wasted. my friend meant so much more to me than i ever told him. i squandered dozens of times to connect, catchup and hangout. I blew them off, put them off and made up some really good excuses. and when he died i was angry at me more than anyone else because i was the one who had wasted the time.

so i’m still coping with the death of people who meant a lot to me. but I’m not trying to hold God hostage to make it reasonable for me. i’m just asking God to help me make sense of life. to help me make sure that i don’t allow there to be too much time since i made sense of living. that i make sure that i’m living and loving as much as i can so i am content with life and not filled with contempt when it’s over.

kh

how to make a difference

if you are one of the few people who even remembers following this blog you might be surprised to know i am trying to get it started back... mostly because i have this thing inside me to write. the other thing that is in me is wanting to make a difference.

there is also this part of me that wants to be famous. i want to write the blog that people start reading and then catches fire and everybody starts reading it. the reason for that is not clear. i hope its because i really do want to make a difference in someone's life.

for example, i swapped texts with a kid today that i spent sometime with a few years ago. at the time he was doubling up on stupid pills and his folks thought he needed to talk to someone. maybe they could not really afford anyone professional so they brought him to me. and so i met with him a dozen times or so. he popped into my head yesterday and i sent him a txt just checking on him. the bottom line is he responded positively mentioning the benefit of the time we had spent together. that was rewarding. maybe the most rewarding thing i have felt in a while.

so until my blog blows up and i become rich and famous i would find it rewarding to help you. so if you or someone you know is struggling with a question or dilemma, then reach out to me. if you are looking for an argument or you're just trying to hijack my space... i have a delete key and i'm not afraid to use it. but if you do have some very brown bovine stuff going on in your life and you would like to hear the truth. i'll tell it the best way i can.

if i am able too put a few sentences together over the coming weeks i hope i can promise you one thing. i hope i can be plain. plain about who and what i am, what i think and feel about things. and plain and simple with you about your situation.

i look forward to hearing from you.

kenn