making sense of death

over the last 84 months i've taken part in about 60 funerals. roughly 7 years. and i can easily say a rough 7 years. there have been expected and unexpected. young and old. some who appeared to be healthy and of course those under hospice care. It’s been hard. some of them have been brutally hard. they have taken me to moments that were hard to push through. at times i have been wounded deeply. sometimes they have left me doubting.

the doubting moments did not really last all that long, i was mostly just left hurting and angry and confused. i wanted them to make sense. i wanted them to fit my theology and my expectation.

i think one of the biggest challenges we face is the deep need to understand. to be able to make sense of it. to see the plan, the purpose, or the hand of God in it somehow.

here's where i am on death so far. i don't understand it at all. it is as unreasonable as birth. how can one couple not have a baby when they want to so desperately and a teenager or crack addict pops babies out like a pez dispenser? in the words of pete in "o brother where art thou," "that don't make no sense."

and I am pretty sure that if you are waiting on death to make sense you will be disappointed.

the reason death does not make sense is because making sense is not the point. the truth is death is not a thing. the bible and science talk about death as a thing because it helps us navigate the conversations of life. but death is sort of like darkness. darkness is not a thing. darkness is simply the absence of light. death is simply the absence of life. for a million different reasons life ceases. the laws of physics, the laws of gravity, disease, murder, the list goes on. but the point is not understanding why and how it ended. the point is why it mattered. the thing that death does to me is makes me deal with how i have lived, how i claimed the opportunities of life.

two deaths really did a number on me this past year. the still-birth of a granddaughter and the death of a dear but neglected friend. my granddaughter’s death taught me a lot of things but mostly that death doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t fit in my head. i will never be able to explain it or make it reasonable. the truth is all life ends and there is no other explanation.

the death of my neglected friend taught me that death makes us deal with the time we have wasted. my friend meant so much more to me than i ever told him. i squandered dozens of times to connect, catchup and hangout. I blew them off, put them off and made up some really good excuses. and when he died i was angry at me more than anyone else because i was the one who had wasted the time.

so i’m still coping with the death of people who meant a lot to me. but I’m not trying to hold God hostage to make it reasonable for me. i’m just asking God to help me make sense of life. to help me make sure that i don’t allow there to be too much time since i made sense of living. that i make sure that i’m living and loving as much as i can so i am content with life and not filled with contempt when it’s over.

kh